Umm … What?!? – Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat On Pets And Tricks

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{The vet walks in the room}

Vet: And who do we have here?

EM: MY NAME IS ELLIE MAE.

Vet: Hi, Ellie …

EM: Are you a real vet?

Vet: Umm …

EM: You aren’t sure?

Vet: No! No! I’m a vet!

EM: So you have a degree? Like from a school? 

Umm What Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat On

Vet: Yes. I have a degree from a school.

EM: But NOT clown school, right?

Vet: No. Not clown school. Vet school.

EM: A good one?

Vet: I guess.

EM: I should warn you.

Vet: You’re going to bite me?

EM: WHAT?!?! No! I’m a LADY! I don’t BITE.

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Vet: So why are you warning me?

EM: My brofur is a crapper.

Vet: Aren’t we all?

EM: No. My brofur is a cat rapper with street cred and everything!

Vet: Oh, my.

EM: If you hurt me, he will fluffing funk you up!

Vet: He’s your brofur? What does that mean?

EM: Erm … hmmm … he’s my … {mumbling} … with fur.

Vet: Your what?

EM: Ask me next time, I have to check with Latte, my sisfur. She knows everything. 

Vet: So you have a brother and a sister in the home?

EM: NO. Well, yes. My brofur lives in a box though.

Vet: A litter box? Because he’s a crapper?

EM: NO. A white box. He doesn’t talk to me.

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Vet: Oh, no! I’m sorry! You must miss him.

EM: No. He never talked to me. If my Momma put his box in his cat bed, it would be like old times. Well, except that he couldn’t give me dirty looks for existing like he used to.

Vet: Oh.

EM: But my sisfur is really smart! She didn’t believe me when I told her I was dead. I don’t know how she figured it out.

Vet: You told her you were dead?

EM: Are you paying attention? Don’t you have to pay attention in vet school or do they let you graduate regardless?

Vet: Okay. Yes. I see.

EM: So if a box comes in and gives his name as The Quack Daddy, he’s with me.

Vet: Umm … what?

EM: But if he speaks in Spanish, you’re in extra big trouble.

Vet: What?

EM: Spanish! The language of the Span people! They don’t teach you Spanish in vet school? What happens if you see a cat from Span?

{Pause}

EM: Momma, how do you say, “I’m The Quack Daddy” in Spanish? It’s only fair we warn her!

{Confused silence}

MK: “Iz speako no Spaineesh!” Hahaha.

EM: MOMMA! You know I hate when you speak Spanish! I can’t understand Spanish!

Vet: Umm … what?

EM: Psst! Momma?! I think Bear would be proud!


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MK: Yes. I think so.

EM: Okay! Put me in my carrier. I’m ready to go home.

Vet: Umm … what?

MK: Ellie, we talked about this.

EM: You said we were visiting the vet! We visited! Now it’s time to go home!

MK: Why don’t you let the vet look at you?

EM: SHE CAN SEE ME! Or, wait.

{Pause}

EM: {narrowing her eyes} You’re not a BLIND vet, are you? Bear’s right! Momma, you ARE cheap! Saving a few dollars by taking us to see a BLIND vet!

Vet: NO! I’m not blind! I’ll be quick, I promise.

EM: Quick doing ….

{Pause}

EM: HEY, NOW! I don’t like you like that!

Vet: That’s a good girl!

EM: I AM a good girl. But I’m ready to go home.

MK: Oh, Ellie.

EM: Oh, Ellie, what?!? PUT. MY. LID. DOWN. We’re going home.

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EM: I’m not falling for this again! “Let’s go see the vet,” you say. Yeah, RIGHT!

MK: I’m sorry, Ellie. I want to make sure you stay healthy.

Vet: Come here, pretty girl.

EM: Pretty? I guess you aren’t blind. THANK YOU FOR NOTICING. They must’ve taught you taste in vet school!

Vet: This vet tech is named xxxx, she’s going to hold you now.

Vet: I don’t know who that is.

EM: That’s her NAME! I guess you don’t bother with names. I mean, you have my chart RIGHT THERE and you had to ask who I am!

Vet: This is certainly an … interesting visit.

EM: Okay. You and this vet tech can touch me, but be quick!

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