Humans are weird – Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat

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L: Ellie? Can you ‘splain something to me?

EM: You’re asking me to be smarterer than you and know … umm … stuff?

L: Is that a problem?

EM: Err … no. 

{Pause}

EM: I hope.

L: It’s just that you’ve lived with Momma and Daddy longer than I have and they confuse me.

EM: Wait, there’s something you don’t understand?

L: Yes. That’s why I’m asking you to explain something.

EM: Oh, right. I knew that.

L: Are our humans normal? Because they’re kind of … not cats.

EM: OOooh! OH! I know this one! No.

L: No, what? They aren’t normal?

EM: They’re not cats!

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L: My sisfur has beauty and brains.

EM: Really? Are you talking about me? I got it right? 

L: Do I have another sisfur?

EM: Umm … I mean … hmm. Didn’t you have a littermate named Cocoa?

L: Cocoa’s my sister since we’re related by blood. You’re my sisfur because we live together.

EM: That makes sense!

{Pause}

EM: I think.

{Pause}

EM: I had a brofur once. His name was Bear.

L: {sigh} And you miss him.

EM: Maybe.

{Pause}

EM: {quietly} Yes. But not at much as Momma does. Daddy and I always felt left out around Momma and Bear. It was like their hearts beat as one and each breath one took, the other one did too. They had whole conversations without saying one syllable. But he was a better brofur than you.

L: I’d certainly hope so – because I’m not your brofur.

EM: Oh. Yeah. One of the reasons I miss him is that when I meowed to him, he always came to check on me really fast. I have to wait for you to decide to come. One of these days I’ll be calling out in the throes of death and I’ll be dead before you find me!

L: I understand Bear had a flair for the dramatic. Maybe it rubbed off on you?

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EM: HA! Shows what you know! Bear wouldn’t let me rub up against him for anything!

{Pause}

EM: WAIT! So are Momma and Daddy sisfur and brofur? They live together!

L: {sigh} No. They don’t have fur.

EM: So are they sister and brother?

L: No. They aren’t related by blood.

EM: Oh. This is really confusing. Can you explain it again?

L: Doesn’t it just figure that I come to you for an explanation and I end up explaining stuff to you?

EM: Yeah. That’s usually how it works.

L: {sigh}.

EM: Then what are they?

L: Err … partners?

EM: Like partners in crime? I’ve always wanted a partner in crime.

L: You’re too much of a goody-goody to worry about crime.

EM: I can be bad! I know a whole volume of Bear words!

L: Bear words?

EM: YEAH! Not nice language. HBO words. Dirty words. Profanity. Obscenities. Expletives. Curse words. You know, @*#% and #*@(#! Or @(###  and *#(@ …

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L: Do you kiss your Momma with that mouth?

EM: NO! I don’t do kisses! I do head butts though.

L: No, that’s a euphemism. 

EM: HEY! Why don’t you leave my phemism out of this!?!

L: Or is it? An idiom? 

EM: I’m not an idiot! You’re an idiot!

L: Or is it an insult?

EM: YES! You’re insulting me!

L:  {sigh} Note to self: intellectual debates with you are useless.

EM: Because I’m smarterer than you! Ha! I WIN!

L: Yeeeeeeeeeah. THAT’S why.

{Pause}

L: {sigh} So Bear words are like swear words.

EM: No. No one’s swearing to anything. They are just bad words we use … that we get in trouble for. Well, unless you’re swearing to **** someone up. I guess those would be swear words.

L: {sigh}.

{Pause}

L: Are our humans normal? Because they don’t make any sense.

EM: Erm … Is that a trick question?

L: No!

EM: I’m pretty sure they are both a little weird. But I don’t understand most of what they do. Then again, there’s a lot about everything else that I don’t understand either. What specifically confuses you?

L: Well, their bathroom seems like a highly disputed area. I mean, they both pee and poop in there – but never at the same time. I don’t really smell anything, so maybe they cover it, but do you think they are challenging each other over ownership of the territory?

EM: Bear used to leave his poop uncovered to show me that he’s dominant. If they don’t leave their business uncovered, maybe we’re missing something.

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L: That brings up another point. Why don’t they use our litter box? Do they not use our litter box because they know we are dominant and they don’t wish to challenge us?

EM: Ummm …

L: Are they smart enough for that? I mean, sometimes I hear one of them refer to themselves as an “owner” of us. As if. 

EM: Momma’s pretty smart. I think she knows we’re the boss.

L: You mean, I’m the boss.

EM: Err … yeah, that too.

L: Though she clips our claws and brushes our teeth against our will.

EM: That’s just ’cause we’re smallerer. And Momma’s fast and tricky.

L: So if they don’t use the bathroom to exert their dominance over each other, how does Momma exert her dominance without biting Daddy’s neck? 

EM: You bite my neck all the time! Bear used to bite my neck all the time too!

{Pause}

EM: Wait a minute … are you saying that you’re dominant?

L: {sigh} No.

EM: Oh. Okay. Good.

L: I mean, Daddy seems to know Momma’s the boss but I never see her bite his neck.

EM: Hmm. Maybe there’s something we’re missing?

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L: {under her breath} I’m confident there’s a lot YOU’RE missing …

EM: What?

L: Nothing.

{Pause}

L: Well, except for meals. You don’t miss any of THOSE! Hahahahahaha.

EM: Are you making fun of me?

L: No.

EM: Oh. Okay. Good.

L: {mumbling to herself} This is almost TOO easy.

EM: I’m not easy! I’m not the one who lays with all her lady bits hanging out all the time! I don’t even have a boyfriend!

{Pause}

EM: I don’t think …

L: Okay. So here’s my list of things I don’t understand.

EM: A list? When do you have time to make a list? You’re usually running around here at top speed!

L: I have a lot of time while Momma and Daddy sleep! Actually, that’s the first thing I’m confused about.

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EM: Ooooookay.

L: They sleep for like 6-8 hours in a row! Don’t they get hungry or have to use the litter box?

EM: It IS pretty inconvenient that they sleep like that. I mean, what happens if I get hungry an hour after they go to bed? Or what if I want to sit on their laps?

L: We have a food bowl.

EM: Oh, yeah. Well, what if I want a lap?

L: Lay on Momma or Daddy’s lap in bed.

{The wheels turn in Ellie’s mind}

{The wheels continue to turn in Ellie’s mind}

{Ten minutes pass …}

{The wheels STILL turn in Ellie’s mind}

EM: OH! But they won’t pet me because they’re sleeping!

L: You just said you wanted to sit in their laps. You didn’t say anything about petting.

EM: I guess you wouldn’t understand since you don’t sit anywhere for longer than three seconds.

L: And I DO sit for more than three seconds in one place … on Momma or Daddy’s heads! Hahahahaha.

EM: That can’t be comfortable!

L: It’s not comfortable for them either! That’s the point! They can’t ignore me!

EM: It sounds like you went to the same cat school as Bear!

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L: Oh, so Bear was smart AND handsome?

EM: Err … I … guess so. I mean, I didn’t really look at him like that. He could be a huge butt though.

L: Speaking of butts. What aversion do humans have to butts? I mean, they DEFINITELY don’t take my butt in their faces as a compliment.

EM: I KNOW, right!?

L: And how do they know each other? I’ve never seen them sniff each others’ butts!

EM: OH! I have one! 

L: A butt?

EM: NO! A way the humans are weird! They can’t lick their own butts!

L: I know! How weird is that?

EM: Though to be fair, you don’t lick your own butt. You just wipe it on the human’s bed.

L: Hahahahahaha! I DO! But I can at least REACH my butt if I want to! Have you ever seen Momma try to stretch?

EM: YES! What is she doing?!

L: Ummm … stretching.

EM: Oh, right. But it still looks funny.

L: And what’s their obsession with closed doors?

EM: What do you mean?

L: They’re always closing me in the bedroom! What are they hiding?

EM: Momma and Daddy do that so you don’t try to eat my Squeez … 

{Pause}

EM: Err … I don’t know!

L: Try to eat your what?

EM: Ummm … nothing? WAIT! I have another one! They never shut up!

L: I know! They yap and yap and yap and call US loud for a well-placed meow here and there!

EM: Maybe they’re aliens.

L: That conquered our planet?

EM: Phht. As if. We own them, don’t we?

L: You make a good point.

EM: I do?!?

L: Yes!

EM: Oh! OH! ONE FOR ME!

L: {sigh}

EM: That is one for me, right?

{Momma walks in the room and the cats snicker}

MK: Excuse me?

L: {under her breath} Weirdo.

{The cats fall over laughing}

MK: {walking away, shaking her head} Weirdos.

L: {under her breath} Look who’s talking!

EM: YOU!

L: {sigh} SHUT UP, Ellie!

EM: Well, you don’t have to be rude! You asked a question!

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