GENERIC JOB DESCRIPTION FOR A KITTEN:
If you wrote a job description for a kitten, what would it include? Some phrases that go without saying include “self-starter,” “independent,” “fast learner” and “energetic.” One would also expect a long-term employment relationship and a commitment to bringing love, happiness and a certain level of crazy to one’s humans.
THE FINE PRINT:
(Because humans care about details and small-type). A catnip habit is not a bar to employment, and a kitten with a criminal record is welcome (including thieves and serial killers).
JOB BENEFITS OF KITTENING:
And what does a kitten get in return for her extensive services and her particular set of skills? Benefits include food, fresh water, clean litter, grooming, affection, playtime and attention. We know you know how to demand what you need. Also, humans offer routine and emergency medical care (if you can call it a “benefit,” as most cats wouldn’t).
SPECIFIC JOB REQUIREMENTS FOR A KITTEN:
HUMAN MANAGEMENT AND SUPERVISION:
Humans can’t be trusted to manage their affairs properly! A kitten must always supervise her humans to ensure their safety.
- Make sure your humans don’t sleep too much. Strategies to ensure your humans don’t sleep too much include sticking your wet nose in their ears, pawing their faces, laying on their faces, biting their toes, jumping on them, wrestling with your fursibling on the bed, barfing loudly, singing the song of your people, creating mayhem (LOUDLY) in the other room and playing with your toys in their bed … all while your humans try to sleep. Additionally, a kitten shall function as a human’s alarm clock when necessary (according to kitten time to keep the human on the straight and narrow).
- Distract humans from useless work. Make sure they focus on what really matters.
- Get into everything. A good kitten keeps her people busy and on their toes. A kitten should also know how to utilize silence to manipulate her people.
- Don’t take no for an answer. People need challenges to be their best selves. They also must be put in their place regularly.
- Bite your humans for no discernable reason. Just bite them. And enjoy chewing them like a teether. Repeatedly.
- Steal what your humans shouldn’t have. Humans shouldn’t have items you deem dangerous, superfluous or just plain yours. Protect humans from themselves.
- Snoopervise EVERYTHING. Without a kitten’s oversight, humans are likely to do things wrong, incompletely or inadequately. A kitten should be the ultimate task manager, ensuring humans complete necessary tasks.
Humans tend to be undisciplined and hard to train. A kitten must adequately break in her humans to teach them how to be good attendants to her needs.
- Know better than your humans. An enterprising kitten can determine what humans don’t want her to touch or get into and touch/get into them anyway.
- A kitten must train her humans to accept her as the boss.
- Trip humans. A kitten who trips her humans ensures that humans pay more attention to their surroundings to keep them safe.
- Lead humans when they require guidance and don’t take no for an answer. [Though things get messy if you trip humans while they follow you].
- Use cuteness to get your way. An adept kitten knows when she’s pushed the limits of her humans and effortlessly transitions into looking irresistibly cute.
- Bite the humans into submission.
- Show humans how little they understand and teach them to accept their shortcomings. Humans fear what they don’t understand (which is a lot!). A competent kitten knows how to confront her humans with seemingly nonsensical behavior (ex. the crazies, finding novel places to sleep, etc.) so that they accept uncertainty.
A human’s domain is a dangerous place. Around every corner lurks danger and calamity, yet a human walks around wholly oblivious to the perils around her. A kitten must protect her humans from their ineptitude in managing their surroundings.
- Security. Watch everything. A kitten must watch everything in her domain from the highest spot in the house. Nothing moves without her knowing about it.
- Kittens should not be afraid to drown suspicious items in their water bowls – or at least elicit a confession. Human intelligence is lacking; a kitten ensures her humans don’t suffer as a result.
- Laundry inspector. Are clothes that come out of the dryer clean? Are there any dryer gremlins in the pile of clean clothes? A kitten holds down the laundry, so it doesn’t run away. Additionally, just after the clothes come out of the dryer is the ideal time to fur your humans’ clothes fairly.
- Toy tester. Check every item in your house for suitability as a toy.
playingkilling. Everything. Humans are infamous for being oblivious to the dangers sparkle balls and micey pose to their lives. Ensure the safety of your humans by thoroughly killing these bad boys repeatedly.
- Gardening. Likewise, humans overlook the dangers house plants present. Un-plant the plant, kill it and sift through the soil to ensure no dangers are present.
- Body burier. What do you do with all the things you kill? Your litter box serves other disposal needs.
- Check everything brought into the house. Are there any dangerous stowaways? Any people-eaters? Other cats?
- Shopping bag checker. Did your human unwittingly bring home a monster from the grocery store?! And what kind of treats did she get?
- Box inspector. A kitten must ensure all boxes that enter the household are unoccupied by nefarious entities, safe for humans and know their place. Additionally, a kitten must ensure no household gremlins take up residence in the box.
- Food inspector. Can it fit in your mouth? Is it food? Does it taste okay if it’s not? Can you get away with it before your human is the wiser?
- Counter patrol. A kitten must patrol the counters throughout the house for things that shouldn’t be there. Are there any pens just waiting to attack your humans? What about glass zombies? Kill dangerous interlopers or, for innocuous items, check the presence of gravity.
- Gravity checker. Do items knocked off a surface fall to the ground? If not, alert your humans that your household might no longer reside on Earth.
- Get into everything to ensure no threats lurk where humans fail to look. Neglected spaces common among humans include the refrigerator, washer, dryer, dishwasher, closet and pantry.
- Water checker. Ensure any standing water in your household is free from vampire sharks. A kitten should not have to worry about competition for biting. A kitten neutralizes dangers flowing from the tap (a kitten might accomplish this by smacking the water around the room). Taste-testing required.
- Waste prevention. A kitten should minimize household waste by eating what could be considered food and playing with items that would otherwise go in the trash.
- Paperweight. A kitten must secure her humans’ papers, or the papers might fly away or the humans will lose them.
- Cat fur depositor. A house is not a home until a critical mass of fur accumulates around the house.
- Make a mess. Making messes ensures that humans keep a clean house (they can’t resist cleaning up your mess and more, too!).
- Slayer of blanket monsters and laundry monsters. A kitten must be unafraid of the legion of lost, renegade socks just waiting to attack from the dryer after attaching to the sheets.
- Ceiling-support. A kitten must check the ceiling to ensure it does not collapse around her humans.
Humans are incompetent to care for themselves. A kitten knows what her humans need and how to provide it.
- Massage therapy.
- Purr therapy.
- Adequate grooming. Humans’ baths are barbaric and incapable of keeping them clean.
- Efficient huntress. Without a kitten’s hunting skills, humans would likely starve. Human diets require copious amounts of sparkle balls and micey.
- Sadness and ennui-reliever.
- Kittens require a lot of sleep to fulfill their duties. Luckily, humans find sleeping kittens adorable and benefit from incessant cuteness.
- Enjoy being photographed, and don’t mind the pawparazzi. A good kitten knows taking pictures of her is food for the humans’ souls and makes them happy.
- Toilet clock. Humans need reminding to go to the bathroom – without a kitten on their bladders, they’d forget.
- Assistant (as the humans see you, though you are the boss in reality). Humans struggle to complete the most basic tasks like typing or using the printer. A kitten must help her humans complete their typing and office machine-related tasks. Do not let it bother you if your humans say what you type doesn’t make sense. They aren’t smart enough to understand.
- Provide a cat scan. Scan yourself on a regular basis to ensure the humans’ scanner works.
- Test buttons. Test buttons on the printer and keys on the keyboard to ensure they work under the proper amount of pressure (your body).
Did we forget any items in the job description or expectations for a kitten?
Maybe some kitten should’ve read the job description before taking the job!
As it’s Thankful Thursday, we’re thankful for our kitten! Our world wouldn’t be the same without Latte’s spunk, dedication and love.
© 2022 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat – Written and Published by Katherine Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2022. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner’s [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn’t Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact email@example.com.
Bear always wrote his own job description …